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The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
contributed by chris m
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Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
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very time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
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A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
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I have a frog in the back
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be
bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
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I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?
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Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
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Marriage changes passion................suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
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Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."
The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''
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Let's Swap Positions
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".
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Understanding a Woman
We need REALLY MEANS I want
----------------------------------------------------------------------You want REALLY MEANS You need
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It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
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We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
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Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.
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You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
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Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
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I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
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You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
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I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
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Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed
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This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
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You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
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Yes REALLY MEANS No
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No REALLY MEANS No
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Maybe REALLY MEANS No
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I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.
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Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
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How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.
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I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.
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Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.
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I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
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Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
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Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
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I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
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